OH! it *ALL* makes sense now!

i'm pretty sure i found out why i've never found a real "connection" with my mom. i was talking to my psychologist today and i told her about how i had to have surgery recently (a few months ago.. i think) and i figured out the cause of that was when i was younger, my mom had me in her arms while my dad had hit and kicked her and she turned to use me as a shield so my dad wouldn't kick her and he was already following through with the kick, so he couldn't stop fast enough to NOT kick me as my mom was trying to get him to stop kicking her and she assumed he'd stop if she put me in front of her but she put me in front of her so fast, that he was already kicking her and accidentally kicked ME so i've had to have TWO surgeries on my bowel as a result of her selfish narcissism. my psychologist said that my brain must've just acted naturally to separate myself from my mom so she doesn't hurt me again. i read about how a bowel gets blockage (which is why i had to have my last surgery) and it said because of trauma on the abdomen region.. i'm sure it still lasted because i started with having to have surgery on my bowel when i was like 12 because it was PERFORRATED and i remember my grandma reminscing MANY times about when the doctors asked her if i had been kicked or hit in the bowel region when it happened. i don't care if she didn't DIRECTLY hurt me- but she did enough to put ME as a target in pain so that SHE wouldn't experience any- and risked MY BODY AND HEALTH. i told her how i started living with my grandparents when i was about 12.. so that was probably a little after my grandpa chased my dad to mexico after my dad kicked me on accident. it's also not like i could have just avoided getting kicked because i was small enough to be held by my mom and there's NOTHING i did to deserve that shit. my parents suck. they can BOTH kiss my ASS. my dad is already dead though.. so i'm stuck with my mom's shit for now and i'm trying to get AS FAR AWAY FROM THAT NARCISSTIC BUM. NO ONE CAN TRULY DEFEND HER BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T FUCKIN HAD WHAT I HAVE HAD HAPPEN TO THEM- THEY DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS. NO ONE CAN TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL OR WHAT I SHOULD DO. I REFUSE TO ALLOW HER TO BE A WEIGHT ON MY PROGRESSION IN LIFE WHEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN WORK FOR WHAT SHE HAS- SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE EXPERIENCE IN KNOWING HOW ANY OF THE SHIT I GO THROUGH FEELS. I GRADUATED WITH HONORS. I WENT TO AT LEAST THREE DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I WORKED AT LEAST THREE JOBS. SHE'S OLDER THAN ME AND I CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT SHE HASN'T DONE AS MUCH AS I HAVE. SHE'S NEVER BROUGHT UP HOW SHE WAS HOLDING ME WHEN MY DAD ACCIDENTALLY KICKED ME WHEN HE MEANT TO KICK HER- SO OBVIOUSLY SHE FEELS ASHAMED AND KNOWS I'D BE PISSED OFF. it's irritating that SHE can't even take ACCOUNTABILITY for that shit though. i forgot- SHE'S TRACY! SHE'S PERFECT! LET HER DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW BETTER!.. just don't ever plan on making a connection with your OWN OLDEST daughter AGAIN. it's irritating that EVEN someone who i JUST met when i was 16 can take accountability for almost killing me and my OWN MOM can't even fuckin own up to her damn mistakes. FUCK HER AND FUCK YOU TOO IF YOU'RE CONDONING THIS SHIT. AMANDA'S LIKE, "OH GOOD! NO ONE WILL EXPECT ME TO DO ANYTHING FOR STACY NOW!" IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER DID ANYTHING I WANTED TO GET ME WHERE I WANNA BE ANYWAY.. YOU KNOW.. SINCE THIS IS MY LIFE. my mom is old. her life is nearly over with all that smoking and drinking caffeine and worrying like a paranoid piece of shit. i know the first place that my siblings will put her is in a nursing home and you know what? since she DOESN'T care about what I want for MY LIFE.. i really don't give a fuck!
in other news- i went out to get my mail and i brought some new mail from a housing authority in massachusetts. they actually gave me quite a few resources in the letter for massachusetts housing. so i need to have ics assist me in accessing these resources and applying to more apartments in massachusetts- i need to try to be more proactive with housing in massachusetts though. hopefully the ics can assist me with this as well, since i didn't have that kinda assistance available to me before- so it was difficult for me to keep track all by myself. i'm pretty sure it was my case manager and/or new trustee that brought up massachusetts housing, so maybe i can tell one of them and HOPEFULLY they can help make sure things get done because i'm sure that most people just do things on their own time whenever they feel like it when I ask them to help me do things.. maybe they can act as advocates for me since my advocate clearly doesn't give a fuck if it's not CONVENIENT for HER.
i also remembered that amy also helped me get registered gor spanish classes which start on wednesday. so i'm excited about that.